morning pages 6:00 AM 11/29/12: "truth"

it is both the easiest and the hardest thing to come by depending upon many things and factors many times we don't want it because it would cause us to make decisions that are well true therefore no one could think anything else of us other than that we are wholly our own and worthy of all and any blame we could incur from our words or deeds rightfully or wrongfully because then we would finally own our actions in total and there is no veil of family or habit or comfort to hide our scared sacred bodies behind truth sheds light on parts of our psyches we feel we must keep in the dark to remain expectedly functional in this experiment called society this blind-rats-in-a-maze race truth will strip away the armor and the cracked drooping facade you wear to keep the seeming well wishers from prodding or accusing you of honesty of invoking reality too strongly which is not what anyone truly wants from you Jesus had his own version of truth and look at what the great unwashed did to him there was a person who bore their truth to the very end if we are to believe the stories bore his truth like a cross you could say he bore it he wore it over the armor of nicety truth can become your armor if you wear it right they say the truth hurts but i think its the lies that hurt us the truth only shows us that which we hold on to for comfort and security is as thin as a strand of silk that to truly exist in this world you need to go groping wildly into thorny jungles to find something true to grasp on to and youll probably bleed a little and youll get upset but those are the rules of the road no one signed up for them but surely as you will blink breathe and pump blood the rules of existence apply to all truth shows us the rulebook cleared of the editorial haze all the omissions are not really omissions but hidden by lies to fool us into thinking we can coast by on shallow seas all the while our souls are rending in rapids and rocky coasts that is why we are told truth hurts truth makes us own everything lies as i have said are what actually hurt us they sidle up a as smiling stranger and buy us drinks until we fall in love we fall in love with lies like patty hearst fell in love with her captors this is an existential stockholm syndrome of the soul we fall in love with our lies so the truth seems to hurt truth will clear out the silt from the stream show the rocky irregularities under the surface where you thought all was perfect smoothness and comfort and crossing from one side of life to the other becomes apparent to be a balancing act where you thought it was one smooth ride with no jagged edges or slippery slopes of freezing currents fear not your own truth like the frigid water of the stream if you know it is there and you must immerse yourself in it then go all in and dont look back at the bank where one second ago you were standing warm and dry that was just an illusion no one is that lucky truth does not hurt it only temporarily inconveniences if one is not willing to face temporary shame for eventual liberation then one must be ready for a lifetime of simmering resentment and bitterness a simmer that could turn into a boil denied truth doesnt go away see so at any time it could poke its head up and show you its brightness to your darkened eyes and at those moments your damaged self will erupt your denied truth will draw you out of yourself  and the result will be unpredictable and dangerous truth blinds but only those who dont have the courage to turn the lights on more often

I think I've said it. It felt good, and real, and I think I'd like to take some of that and go off somewhere with it to where I can feel like I can put it to good use. I want to think it poured out of me because it was truth. Or maybe it was a lie, a lie I've cozied up to and I am happy to be a host this parasitic being that just needs a pulse and a body around 98 degrees fahrenheit to thrive. I don't know what is true, or I just am supposed to think I don't. circular.